Here's a picture of the Butterfly that I am sure was you that visited on your Birthday
Joey.. my sweet Joey.. It's been quite a while since I visited your page Joey, to update it, but that doesn't mean that I have ever stopped thinking about you. I think about you every single day, multiple times a day. Sometimes I have to laugh at some of the thoughts and memories that pass through my mind, and other times I cry. I miss you so much.
Your room has become my studio, although it is still your room, your bed is still there, things are pretty much the way you left them, except that I gave Ben your dresser and put a work table on that side of your room. I've gotten into working with paper and still make some jewelry.. my creative side is slowly coming back, it went away when I lost you.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever thought that last morning when we left to go to Orange County for that surgery we were hoping would buy you more time, that you would never ever see your room again? That thought makes me extremely sad. I wonder if you were scared that morning, or if you felt hopeful. Did you know that you were never coming back home?
I have written a couple of chapters about you for some books. One of them was published last year in time for Brain Tumor Awareness Month, and the other will be published soon, but it will be an e-book. It's for the Grieving Parents Group I am in and I am helping out as one of the editors as well. But now I can actually say I'm published! I enjoy telling your story, and knowing that it is yet one more way to let the world know what a remarkable young man you were and that you lived, and you impacted so many lives.
You are so missed, my love, my sweet, wonderful, kind, compassionate son.
Seeing your friends, and my friends's children growing up, graduating college, getting jobs, moving forward, is sometimes so difficult. While I am happy for them, I am sad because you are frozen in time. You are forever 18, and you never really even got to enjoy any of the perks of being an 18 year old. This year you would have been 21. I wonder what you would have been doing to celebrate?
We celebrated Jackson's 21st. birthday last month- You should have been there, you were his friend, but we were there without you.
So what have I been up to? I have been fostering lots and lots of puppies, you would be loving doing this- I can imagine you playing with them, laughing, teasing, running around with them, and helping me. I think I've fostered close to 100 puppies. It's been the best therapy for me because it's so hard to be sad when you have puppies in the house, they are the best therapy possible. I started doing it because of you- because I know you would have loved to have volunteered and help rescue dogs. Sometimes I help with the bottle baby kittens as well, except dad doesn't like cats in the house. Right now I am puppy-less and I think that is a major reason I am feeling so blue lately- I need more puppy therapy to help me with my sadness and help me through the day without you.
I am probably even more of a Jason Mraz Fangirl than I was when you were still alive. I don't know if you recall that I listened to him a lot all those lonely nights in the hospital? I still love his music and have been to more shows than I can count since we lost you. So far this year I've already seen him play at least 6 times. Daniel won a contest last week and we got to go see a taping for a show that will air in a few weeks.. It's always exciting when a new album is being released. This will be the 2nd album he's released since you were here. I think you would like some of his new stuff, although the old Jason is always wonderful to listen to. Ben and I went to see Billy play at Java Joe's a little over a week ago, and Jason got up and played a few songs as well. Awesome seeing him in that setting. Some good memories, that's for sure, wish you could have been there to be a part of them. If not for you, I'd probably have never taken the time to listen to him, and become such a fan of his. In turn his music helped me get through those long nights in the hospital.
I took a writing class through UCLA Extension last year and I want to take more- I would love to do some more writing and maybe even eventually write a full book. Maybe about you :) I think your story would be helpful for so many others out there who have been diagnosed with a brain tumor!
We are always mentioning you, I don't think a day goes by without your name being mentioned. "I bet if Joey were here... " :"Joey would have loved this.." and so on and so forth.
I love seeing butterflies because I like to think that they are you paying us a visit. This year, on your Birthday, we had this one butterfly hanging around.. I know it was you- it even came up to me and gave me a 'kiss' and hung around. It had to have been you, and I love that it was here on your Birthday. Thank you for coming to visit! Every time I see one in the backyard I say "Hi Joey!" Keep sending those signs, kiddo, they help more than you know.
I keep hoping that I will find some secret letter or something that you left for us, but so far nothing- nothing on your computer, phone or laptop. Sometimes I do find something you made me that I don't remember seeing before -- finding those is like finding a buried treasure!
Since I last updated here, both Peaches and Jet crossed the rainbow Bridge, and hopefully they've found you and you guys are having tons of fun together. It's weird to think that both Humphrey and Moose who have joined our family never got the chance to know you. Moose is from one of the first liitters of bottle baby puppies that I fostered, she is an extremely awesome dog. We call her a Chorgle- part chihuahua, beagle and corgi is what we are guessing. Mom was supposedly a chihuahua, she was hit by a car or something like that. We have no idea what dad is. Humphrey is an Italian Greyhound mix. Remember how I always wanted a Greyhound? Well, we have a tiny version of one. He is quite a character. He makes me laugh a lot as does Moose. Pepper is getting old, she's now 12 years old, and Rosie is 7.. hard to believe, time flies by so fast.
Miss you munchkin man, really really really wish you were here.